Bathroomish : Jokes

This was titled 'The guide to taking a dump at work' & someone posted it on
my forum. Thought you might find it funny...


Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.


Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.


Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does not exist.


Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.


Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE
HAVENS.


Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.


Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.


Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is
occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.


Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.


Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.


Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come
back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners
asks her students, one by one:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to
go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss." said Michael.

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?" she asked.

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back." replied John.

Well, The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And how about you Peter, are you able, for Once, to use
your intelligence and show us some Good-Manners?"

Peter Smiled, "I would simply say:

"Darling, might I please be excused for a moment, because
I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope you'll get to KNOW after supper."

** The teacher fainted.