Animal jokes :) : Jokes

Why did the frog cross the road??







He was stapled to the chicken.

A man was driving through Wyoming on a deserted road late
one night. He had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours
when suddenly his car started acting up... It coughed and
sputtered as the engine slowly died away...

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything
that he could do to get it going again. But, unfortunately,
he wasn't very good with car-stuff, so all he could do was look
at the engine, and feel helpless.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight,
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, there came a deep voice:

"It's your fuel pump." said the Voice !!

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the hood,

"Who said that?" he demanded, as he strained his eyes searching
in the darkness. But all he could see was two horses standing in
the field alongside the road...

Chills ran down his spine as the nearest of the two horses repeated,
"It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try
to start it again."

Scared & Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,
turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life !!!

Quickly, he muttered a short "thanks" to the horse and screeched
away !!

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar and told
the Barkeep: "Whiskey, Large, Now !!"

A Local rancher sitting at the bar, seeing the man's ashen face and
the Crazed look in his eyes, asked:

"What's wrong starnger, You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said, recalling the whole tale
to the rancher...

The rancher just took a sip of his beer and said:

"A horse, you say huh, Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied: "Affirmative, Yes, Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No Mister, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher.

"Lucky ??" said the stranger, "How so ??"

"Because the black horse don't know poop about cars!"

How to Give a Cat a Pill...

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to Give A Dog A Pill...

1) Wrap it in bacon.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

this ones old so u guys prolly already heard it

Blow Chunks

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?

The man says, "I hate that poop". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".

You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

I love that pic ouch. Dude that is sooo funny.

The cat one is great i havnt laphed that hard in a while.