Military : Jokes

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during
one of the island campaigns of World War II.

When the commanding admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals
he said, "You're all part of our team now. You'll be Well-Compensated
for your services, and you can eat all of the same rations that our
sailors are eating. Alll we ask, is Please do NOT eat any sailors."

Four weeks passed without incident. Then, the fifth week, the
admiral returned and said, "You're all working hard, and I'm so Very
Proud of each and every one of you...
However, one of our Chief Petty Officers has turned-up MISSING.
Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads saying No.

After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the
others and said,

"Alright, Which one of you is responsible for this ??"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
said:

"You idiot!!! For four weeks we've been Living GREAT, we've
eaten Countless Ensigns, Numerous Lieutenants, Many LCDR's,
Several Commanders, and even a Few Captains. And NOBODY Ever
Missed Any of them !! But Noooooo, then you Dumb-Asses had to
go and Ruin Everything by Eating a Chief !!!!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?


COLONEL: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in
accordance with my directives.

CHIEF: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.

NCO: Changed two wings, a beak and removed a bad egg, and the silly
thing still doesn't work.

2LT: Look at the pretty bird!

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road
Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that chickens are required
to read back all 'hold short' instructions.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

AIR EDUCATION AND TRAINING COMMAND (AETC): The purpose is to
familiarize the chicken with road crossing procedures. Road crossing
should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
chickens must have at least 3 miles visibility and a safety observer.

AIR FORCE SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a
90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.
To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at
night using NVG's, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

AIR FORCE PERSONNEL CENTER (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force,
the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road.
This will be a 3 year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken
a good deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do
one road crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
opportunities for promotion.

DEFENSE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions?
Please see the SSO.

AIR FORCE RESERVE COMMAND (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or
Sunday, we missed it.

AIR FORCE FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER (AFFTC): This event will need
confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road
types and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen
within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility
that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads".

AIR COMBAT COMMAND (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie
only if road crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's
60-day road crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday
or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency anytime
they observe another chicken cross the road.

PACIFIC AIR FORCES (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't
been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2006 at which
time they will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.

AIR MOBILITY COMMAND (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is
important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS
and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without
CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road crossing with
near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

TANKER AIRLIFT CONTROL CENTER (TACC): We need the road crossing time
and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

AIR FORCE MATERIAL COMMAND (AFMC): Recent changes in technology,
coupled with today's multi-polar strategic environment, have created new
challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was
also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems
Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),
CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital,
both tacit and explicit, and to enable them synergism with each other in
order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across
the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in
a park-like setting enabling and creating an impact environment which
was strategically based, mission-focused and built upon a consistent,
clear and unified Mission Needs Statement and aligned with the chicken's
mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation
of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program
Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission
requirements.

C-130 CREW MEMBER: Just put the damn bird in the back and let's go!

C-141 CREW MEMBER: I ordered a No. 4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken!
Besides, where the hell are my condiments?! I ain't taking off 'til I
get my ******* condiments!!!!

AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have
no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time. Besides, he
was not under our control, but we will get blamed anyway. Who cares
about the chicken anyway, he wasn't supporting the flying hours program.

F-117 PILOT: Wasn't that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at 480
knots, illuminated its tail feathers with the laser designator, and
'goosed' it before it even knew I was there!

B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show: We had an IFE so we couldn't get out
to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2
dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of
the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, destroying the
will of the enemy to fight and ending the conflict on terms favorable to
the chicken.

CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for the
F-22s!!

A woman meets a Navy chief in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together. They go back to his place. As he shows her around his apartment, she is struck by the fact that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are literally hundreds of teddy bears on three shelves running the length of the room along one wall. Small, adorable teddy bears fill the bottom shelf. Cute, cuddly
medium-sized ones adorn a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears
are perched on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is quite surprised that a chief would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive. Although she decides not to question him about it, she actually is quite impressed by this unexpected evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly........they kiss softly...........then again.
Soon their passion has overwhelmed them, and she leads him quietly to
the huge king-size bed along the far wall. After spending an intense night of passion with the chief, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman slowly rolls toward him and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The chief, stifling a slight yawn replies: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!," said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.



A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and
Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one
day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent and
the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor
proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last
minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw
his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine
went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked
and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came
to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What is the
matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God
is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your
right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff. So He sent me."