Him and Her jokes : Jokes

Her & His VERSIONS of a PERFECT DAY...
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants
open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect
body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms


THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:30 Massive, satisfying crap while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
14:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
14:30 Fly to Bahamas
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all
nude
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
17:00 Fly home
18:45 poop, Shower and Shave
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; John Kerry caught
in bed with male campaign worker...
19:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by Ice-cream
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV
as you watch football game
22:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
23:30 A night cap
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the
dog to leave the room
23:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested
in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, The Glasgow Celtic Football
Club and has been known for starting fights on Patrick Street at three
o'clock in the morning.

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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

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Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,
maybe more.

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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the
arse-end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a
lovely chest.

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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin
sister

A father walks into a book store with his young Son, who is holding
a quarter in his hand. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going
blue in the face.

The father realizes that the boy has swallowed the quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help!!

A well dressed, attractive but serious looking woman, in a business
suit just happens to be sitting at a Sidewalk cafe accross the street
reading a newspaper and sipping her coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the table and makes her way,
unhurried, across to the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold
of the little boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently
at first, then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds of squeezing, the boy convulses violently and
Out pops the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman then hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son is OK, the father rushes over to
the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before, it was fantastic, Are you a doctor ??"

"No problem, I do it all the time," the woman replied,

"I'm a DIVORCE ATTORNEY !!!"

I phoned-up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than I was the last time you saw me!"

She just giggled saying she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She just laughed and told me to stop being so silly, saying how she
thought tubby-bald men were cute. "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a
couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat cow!!!

BBQ'ing is the ONLY type of cooking a REAL man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of
events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store & shops.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes
it out to the man, who is lounging at the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to orchestrate the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he
deals with the situation.

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises the Man and thanks him for his Glorious
culinary Efforts !!!!

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."

** Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's
just no pleasing a woman !!!!

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident.

She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and asks to see
her husband...

They tell her that a "Dr Smith" is handling the case & they page
the doctor...

He comes into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs
Jones waiting for news...

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened, How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news...
I'm afraid Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or
capability. This means you'll have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And of course, you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours
to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then again also," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him
just like a baby as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of
course, his diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake Uncontrolably, as she cries, sobs, and
wails..

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his feces on a
regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincter muscles.
Plus, his bowels will engorge quite often, I'm afraid. So, of course,
you must clean him-up immediately to avoid the accumulation of "Putrid
Effluent" that he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing with Horror and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass of SHOCK...

Mrs Jones says: "That's it Doctor, enough is enough, I can't take
Anymore..."

Just then, the Doctor reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the
shoulder, and says:

"Neither can I, I'm just screwin' with you. He's dead."

~~bada bing bada boom~~

Several years before the Afghan conflict, Barbara Walters
of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul.

She noted that the women customarily walked about 5 paces
behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women are
still walking behind their husbands. But now, even after being
treated more fairly they seem to walk even further back !! And,
in fact, appear to be Very happy with the old custom.

Confused by their actions, Ms. Walters approached one of the
Afghani women and asked:

"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once
tried to change?"


"Land mines," said the woman !!

Why do men's hearts beat quicker,

We go weak in the knees,

We get dry throats

And think irrationally

When a woman wears leather ???


** Why, you ask ???



BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity: applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...........a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that freaking map again

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds.

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED,
SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND
LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME
ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER,
AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."