Misc. : Jokes

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes". She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that
sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally lets out a thundering fart. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell
it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only
person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."



The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"


He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

The Pope and one of his Bishops were on a train. The Pope was doing a cross word puzzle. He asked the Bishop,,what is a 4 letter word ending in u,n,t, meaning a woman. The Bishop, all embarrassed and red in the face said, ohh thats aunt, a, u, n, t, the Pope says ohh thats right, do you have an eraser??

A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"

No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority
and she's next."

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you



What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this poop..."

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in
Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy down the
bar, sitting there with his arms folded, just staring blankly at
a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you
ain't got the Stomach to eat that Gramps, Do ya mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best cowboy manner states: "Nah, go ahead Stud", as he
slid the Bowl down to him.

Eagerly, the young cowboy reached over and and started shoveling
it in with delight...

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a Rotten dead rat
in the the bottom of the chili !! The sight was so shocking that
he immediately Power-Pukes ALL the chili Back into the bowl !!!!!!

Just then, the old cowboy quietly says:

"Yep Lil' Buddy, that's Exactly how far I got, too".


Ahhhhhhhhh, YOUTH !!!

This is a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out this week:

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very
dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your
child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

---------------------------

Two muffins are sitting in an oven,baking.

One muffin said to the other,"Hey how is it goin?Its pretty hot in here"

After a few seconds,the other muffin said," Holy Crap!!!! A Talking Muffin!"

COUNTER STRIKE RADIO COMMANDS WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

If you’ve ever played counter strike you love it when you say “need backup” followed by silence or an affirmative and then dying alone shortly there after. That’s because “need backup” doesn’t really mean that. Just read below and you’ll see what I’m talking about…

1. NEED BACKUP-seems simple enough right? You’re in trouble or outnumbered and you need help. Well it doesn’t work that way. To your teammates that means “avoid him like the fuckin’ plague because he is getting raped”. You really think they give a poop about your ass!! You might get a half hearted “roger that” but you aren’t going to see anyone except the guy killing you. Remember Need Backup is the same thing as “leave me here to die alone while my team camps!”
2. ROGER THAT (also Affirmative)-simple acknowledgement of a request or statement. Used to make your team think they are getting help or can rely on you. You’ve got them fooled though huh.
Player1: taking fire need assistance!
Player2: roger that! (Said while hauling ass for cover or dying while being distracted by your radio chatter.)
3. NEGATIVE-this is probably the one straightforward radio
command in this god forsaken game. You’re at least
being honest when your teammate asks for help. By saying this
you’re really saying “#$@# off and choke on your on blood.”
4. TAKING FIRE NEED ASSISTANCE-when you say it this means ‘I’m
under fire and need some help now before I fuckin die!’ To your
team it means ‘He’s a lost cause…#$@# him I’m going to hide!!’
Sometimes your request is followed by a response of #3 above
which loosely translated in this case means “#$@# you”.
5. YOU TAKE THE POINT-you’re team must have a lot of confidence in you and think you would make a good
scout for the team. HEY!!! Get a fuckin clue. It’s not confidence they have in you. You’re bait dumbass and
everyone else is smart enough to send you up to the front. That way if you’re shot they know to head the other way while you bleed out.
6. COVER ME-this is similar to #1 except it is to the teammate near you instead of the whole team. But the
results are pretty much the same. You are going to move up on an enemy position and need his help.
Sometimes you will get an ‘Affirmative’ back. You decide to move up and get shot to pieces while getting no cover. Looking back you see your teammate safely behind a box while your body looks like a strainer from all
the bullet holes. Then even more fun is to watch the teammate move out of the area leaving you trapped where you are with 4hp and 80ap.(yes 80 armor points because in this world of CS Armor is what it’s really cracked up to be either). Left with this situation you only wish you could kill yourself or your teammate if FF was on. Not to worry though the other side is more than willing to kill you and end your miserable existence.
7. HOLD THIS POSITION-I’m going to make this real simple for everyone. This simply means that you’re going
to hold this position while the rest of your team looks for better cover….far away from you. You have just become the sacrificial lamb for the team. Congratulations!! Dumbass!! If you had any sense you’d be hauling ass also.
8. REGROUP TEAM-this is a message from one of your teammates
that is dying. He wants to get everyone else over to his location.
Reason….so he can give the enemy other targets to shoot at
while he crawls off somewhere else to die. Real considerate
team you have huh?
9. FOLLOW ME-this is what you’ll hear when one of your teammates wants to go in and surprise an enemy
position and wants some help. Sounds logical but the only problem is that as you go in your partner starts
falling back until suddenly they are following you or they may stop altogether to tie their shoes or pick their nose. Next thing you know you’ve stirred up a hornets nest and are fresh out of raid. Happy trails mother fucker!
10. GO-(heard as…Go! Go! Go!)-this signal means move your ass.
Usually it’s because some fuckin’ genius that died first the last
round talked everyone into rushing this round (including you
making you another genius in this fuckin’ godforsaken outfit).
While everyone starts in a rush you will suddenly notice that the
bright guy that suggested it isn’t the one with you when you
bleed out face down in the dirt. Although you may see one or
two of your teammates that were as “bright” as you were. Nice
of you to take one for the team...fucknut!
11. STORM THE FRONT-this is when someone decides to rush after
just spawning but its pretty much the same result as #10. This is
especially useful for the terrorists in dust when rushing to the
bombsite and suddenly you are alone and you’re not even the
bomb carrier. Also good for assault as a counter-terrorist and
you are the only one that gets into the vents or goes through the
back door. Bottom line is you stormed the front and became a
lead magnet for the enemy while the rest of the team decides to
shove their thumb up their ass instead.
12. REPORT IN TEAM-This is useful when you want to know where
everyone is. Your teammates will use this for one purpose. That
purpose is to find out where you are so they can move to your
location. Why? So they can bring trouble to your doorstep. See
Capt. Amazing decided to charge into the enemy and now that he
is shot to pieces he is trying to keep his intestines from leaking
out of the fuckin’ holes. He wants someone else to share in his
misery. Oh lucky fuckin’ you.
13. TEAM FALL BACK!-This really means “Oh #$@# me did I make a
wrong turn!” Yep, that’s right the point man just fucked you all.
So now while your point man is getting raped by the enemy the
rest of you scramble around for cover looking like girl scouts
tripping on acid. Remember once the enemy is through banging
your point man like a screen door in a hurricane they are coming
for you. Bend over nicely for your probing boys! Enjoy!
14. STICK TOGETHER TEAM-When you hear this your teammate is
simply wanting to have all his friends around him when he dies.
This way all the idiots respond there get to die beside him. If
you’re smart you’ll stay far oops, bad word here away from him. Take your
own chances.
15. GET IN POSITION AND WAIT FOR MY GO-Someone on your squad
obviously thinks he is the Squad Leader. Someone obviously has
oops, bad word here delusions of grandeur. This isn’t a patrol in the bush of
Vietnam assholes this is a oops, bad word here video game. My advice…let the asshole lead on. The best thing for you to do is to think for
yourself and oops, bad word here cover your own ass. More than likely the
only place he’ll “lead” you is straight to hell.
16. ENEMY SPOTTED-This is to let you know that the enemy has
been sighted in a teammate’s general area. What that teammate
will find out as well as you will when you use this signal that the
enemy is about all you will see for quite sometime. No one
wants to come anywhere near you when you say this. They
might stand a half mile away to watch you get shot full of holes.
They aren’t oops, bad word here stupid enough to try to help your ass when
they know that the enemy is that close by. My favorite though is
sometime shortly thereafter just before you start the dirt nap you
can notice out of the one eye you have that still focuses that
your squad starts running by. Oh if you could only throw a hand
grenade to thank them for their prompt assistance. Cock
suckers!!!
17. SECTOR CLEAR-This is to let you and the other teammates know
that the area is clear of the enemy. Unfortunately the problem for
the team is that this member must be Stevie Wonders twin
because the sector is crawling with them. Don’t believe me?
Stick your damn head out from that box you’re squatting behind
and see if you don’t get a new hole in your head! See right after
your teammate says it’s clear he decides to run on up ahead.
What ‘Mr. near sighted’ doesn’t realize is that he is about to walk
into a world of hurt so as you watch him do the bullet-man dance
you better fall back and pray they don’t find you!
18. I’M IN POSITION-Your buddy is letting you know that he is in
position to make an attack, snipe, or ambush. However usually the
way it works out is that he is the one who is about to be
ambushed, sniped, or attacked. Treat this person as though they
were strapped with explosives and had a loving gleam in their
eyes for you. In other words move your fuckin ass. He is about to
become the sacrificial lamb for your team. Thank him by
scavenging the weapons off his fresh dead body afterwards. He
won’t need them in hell!
19. REPORTING IN-This is when you want to respond to #12.
However this is basically nothing more than a distraction for you
so that while you try to acknowledge the other unit you get
buttfucked by the enemy! Hope you brought the lube!
20. GET OUT OF THERE ITS GONNA BLOW!-Now lets be honest. If
you are waiting to hear this when you decide to run like hell from
the target site then you are a little late taking your leave. More
than likely if you have heard someone say this to you the next
thing you are going to hear is a loud explosion followed by seeing
a bright light unless you’ve been bad in which case you will see
flames and will be barking in hell. Rule of thumb jackass if the
bomb is planted and you are a terrorist then guard it for a while
then run. If you’re a ct and you have no defuse kit and its 10
seconds left dig in and hope no one finds you. If you stand over
that explosive to diffuse it and it goes you are going into orbit
and you won’t have a helmet!
21. ENEMY DOWN-You won’t hear this very often because most of
the time your team is hitting everything else but the fuckin
enemy. You won’t get to say it to much because you will be too
busy dieing as well. However your enemies will be saying this
quite often. Besides it’s hard to hit the enemy when your own
team gives you permanent blindness from all the flash bangs he’s
throwing at them. The other favorite is when you’re crouching
down to get a better shot and your teammate decides to stand
right in front of you to stick his ass in your face. Also with no ff
on your bullets won’t go through your buddy so it won’t hit your
target but your enemy will have no problem ripping you a new ass
through your friends ass. What a fuckin team you’re on huh!

one morning recently
a young woman
got out of bed
slipped on her robe
raised the shade
uncovered the parrot
put on the coffee pot
answered the phone
and heard a masculine voice say:
"hello, honey. my ship just got into port
and im coming right over."
so the young lady
took the coffee off the stove
covered up the parrot
pulled down the shade
took off here robe
got into bed
and heard the parrot mumble,
"kee-rist, what a short day that was!"

reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. then he got an idea. he had seen elephants left one leg, and even two legs. once in a circus he'd even seen a elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.
so reggie annouced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. however, each person would have to pay one hundred dollars to try.
people came from far and near. they tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise in the air.
then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed reggie: "is it true that you'll pay a ten thousand dollars if i can make your elephant get off all four legs?"
"yes," reggie said, "but you got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
the little man handed reggie a hundred-dollar bill, then he went back to the car and took out a metal club. he walked up to the elephant and looked him square in the eyes. then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard hitting the elephant smack on the balls. the elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air.
after the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, reggie was very depressed. he'd only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he'd not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant
suddenly reggie got another inspiration, he knew that elephants could move their heads up and down but have never seen one move its head from side to side. so he annouced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone that could make his elephant move his head from side to side. however each person that wanted to try would have to pay one hundred dollars.
people came from far and wide. they paid their hundred dollars and they tried but of course none could.
then just when things were going well, a familiar blue convertible drove up and the little man got out. he addressed reggie: "is it true that you'll pay ten thousand dollars if i can make your elephant move his head from side to side?"
"yes," said reggie, "but you have to pay a hundred dollars to try."
the little man handed reggie the hundred dollars. then he returned to his car and took out his metal club. he walked up to the elephant.
"do you remember me?" he asked.
the elephant nodded his head up and down.
"do you want me to do it again?"
the elephant quickly shook his head...no.

four men are in a hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. a nurse goesup to the first guy and says "congratulations you're the father of twins."
"Thats odd" answers the man. " i work for the minnesota Twins".
a nurse says to the second guy "congratulations you're the father of triplets".
"thats weird" answers the second guy. "i work for the 3M company".
a nurse tells the third guy, "congratulations your the father of a set of quadruplets!"
"thats strange" answers the third guy "i work for the four seasons hotel."
The last man is groaning and beating his head against the wall.
"Whats wrong?" the others ask.
"I work for 7-UP"

people say that it doenst hurt to learn a few new things. i think those people havent really lived to understand that their wrong. here are some things that do hurt to learn both mentally and physically

it hurts to learn not to stick a fork in a light socket
it hurts to learn that your really adopted.
it hurts when you find out why everyone else in prison calls him bubba
it hurts when you learn that bullets do puncture leather
it hurts when you learn that the guys that has been kicking you in the nuts repeatedly is wearing steel toed boots
it hurts when you learn that you cannot fly or land very well after trying
it hurts when you learn that when you try to kick the ass of a kid that you said you could beat up and then find out your wrong...way wrong
it hurts to find out that your girlfriend is cheating on you with a man that is black and three times your size and is called bubba (for some reason)
it hurts to learn that your girlfriend is really a man
it hurts to learn that horses do not like you being behind them.

whoever said it doesnt hurt to learn a few things apparently never met this guy!!!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling"
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my Speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my Black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better -- Anger management really works!

Lesser-Known Laws:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty